Poems for Programmers

• Millennium Pi
• Packet Pocket Socket
• 'Twas the night before ...

• Bugs
• Hackers
• Three COBOL Hackers

• Triolet Challenge

Packet Pocket Socket

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

Author Unknown

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Millennium Pi

(to the tune of "American Pie")

With apologies to Don McLean

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember how
Computers used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make electrons dance,
And maybe I'd be happy for a while.

But January made me shiver,
It chilled me deep down in my liver,
Bad news I'd collected...
I couldn't get connected.

I can't remember back that day
When I first knew the Y2K
But something touched me anyway,
The day computers died.

So, ...Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire

Can you write in C plus plus ?
And do you have faith in your local bus
If the driver tells you so ?
Do you believe in Compaq's goals
Can software save your mortal soul
And can you teach me how to type real slow ?

Well I thought that you were prepared
'Cause your memo said you weren't impaired
Your stationery's swell
But you can go to hell

I was a lonely teenage Unix hack
With an incantation and a modem jack
But I knew the cat had left the sack
The day computers died I started singin'...

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire

Now for 10 years we've ignored the threat
And we haven't solved the problem yet
But that's not how it used to be
When the luddites read for the king and queen
With a light they filled with kerosene
And some manuals they stole from you and me
And while Bill Gates was looking pleased
Time stole his monopolies
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned

While Apple tried a color scheme
The engineers returned to steam
And we had purges of their dreams
The day computers died
We were singin'

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire
Intel inside in an iron smelter
The food leftover from my fallout shelter
Twinkies old and aging fast
I'd rather eat the grass
Q and A tried for a system crash
With the tester on the sidelines in a cast
Now the timeshare net was running Doom
While mainframes played a marching tune
We all tried to log in
Oh, but we never could begin

'Cause Cobol tried to take the field,
And Hollerith refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed,
The day computers died?

We started singing
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire
There we were all in a state
A generation- really late
With no time left to start again

So come on mouse be nimble, mouse be quick
Don't let my spreadsheet data stick
'Cause data is the devil's only friend.
As I watched him on my screen
My hands and face were drenched in steam
No angel born in hell
Could run that stupid shell

And as the ball climbed high into the night
To call the sacrificial night
I saw Dick Clark laughing with delight
The day computers died.
I met a girl with a cell phone
And I asked her for a dial tone
But she just smiled and turned away

I went down to the software store
Where I'd seen computers years before
But the man there said the games there wouldn't play
And in the streets the children screamed
The lovers cried and the poets dreamed
Their interface was spoken
The Internet was broken

And the three things I connect to most
The Website, LAN and the Network host
Every single one was toast
The day computers died
They were singin'

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire

Author Unknown

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'Twas the night before ...

With apologies to Clement Moore

'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house, not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair with hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
And the users were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
Then out in the hall there arose such a clatter! I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter!
And what to my wondering eyes would appear, but a Super-Programmer (with two six-packs of beer)!
His resume glowed with experience so rare, he turned out great code with a bit-pushers flare.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came and he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
On update! On add! On inquiry! On delete! On batch jobs! On closing! On functions complete!
His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean from weekends and nights in front of the screen!
A wink from his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger upon the 'enter' key the system came up and worked perfectly!
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted; the inquiries inquired; and closing completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell with nary a bend, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded; the clients' last changes were even included.
And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt: "It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

Author Unknown

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